i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
