We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
