Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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