I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
