She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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