Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
