mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
