just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
