Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Girls should come with a carfax report
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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