Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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