Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
