what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
