Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
