I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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