dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
