you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
