When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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