I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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