He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the day after is always just damage control
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
