Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
