He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
