There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.