can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
