Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
