i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
