I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
