i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
