My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
