Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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