toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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