I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
