On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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