Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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