wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
