Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
