Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
