walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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