If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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