all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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