I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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