No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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