My friends, they love my intelligence
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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