woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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