Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can text with my tongue
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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