My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
