did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
