fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
