How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
