saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
