it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
