Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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