At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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