We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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