This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
