You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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