Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
