What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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